What to Expect When Your Timelord is Expecting
by IOUaTARDISride
Summary: What would happen if the doctor was pregnant? Fantastic question. 9, 10, and 11's reactions to being pregnant. Hilarity ensues. Crack!fic


**What to Expect When Your Time Lord is Expecting**

_The Doctor - Full body scan in progress._

_Pregnancy - Positive._

**9.**

(Sarcasm) "Oh brilliant, isn't that just completely brilliant? Great. Just great. As if I need another bloomin', stupid, person to take care of. Rose gets into enough trouble as it is. This is just what I needed! Another pathetic life form sucking all of my energy and then getting into its own trouble. Cheers…"

**10.**

(Denial) "What?... What? _What?..._ **What!?**..** WHAT!?**"

**11.**

(Excitement) "HA! **AMY!** I'm going to have a baby!"

"_When did that happen?"_

**9.**

(Projection) "This is all your fault. You insisted on going to Qh'ada Norlem! And you couldn't bloody listen when I told you not to wander off. I'm blaming you Rose. This never would have happened if it weren't for you. Thank you very much."

**10.**

(Confusion) "I have absolutely no idea…"

**11.**

(Distraction) "Oh that's not important. Who cares? I'm going to have a BABY!"

"_How?"_

**9.**

(Annoyance) "Well, you see Rose, when a Mommy Time Lady and a Daddy Time Lord-"

[…]

"Then don't ask!"

**10.**

(Techno-babble) "Weell… It's actually quite simple. Brilliant when you think about it. That planet we were on, the main inhabitants, they're called Th'ivlim, they procreate in much a different way from the rest of the universe. You see, they have no extremities. Through billions and billions of years of evolution on a planet that is flat everywhere they lost them. No need for 'em. Except, of course, when it comes to… uh… breeding. So they developed a different way to do it. 'Cause, another thing that they lost over time was their need to breathe… often. They only need to inhale about once a week and they only exhale… well, about once a month actually. Though it's a Th'ivlim month, not an Earth one. Anyway! Their er… procreating… mechanisms gradually moved and got to be located in the same general area of their breathing ones. So once a month, they breed through breathing! Haha! Breed through breathing! Brilliant! … Must have gotten in the way of one…"

**11.**

(Dismissal) "Its… a big.. complicated, long process that I could try to explain to you but then you wouldn't get it anyway. Basically, the planet we were on was full of these… creatures that once a month…. Oh never mind, it's spacey wacey!"

_Doctor, are you ok?_

**9.**

(Sarcasm, again/still) "Peachy."

**10.**

(Genuine) "Oh I'm brilliant! Ha! I'm going to have a baby! Now _that_ is not something a guy gets to say very often. Unless you're a Silurian, or something. But anyway, this is beautiful… I wonder if it'll… Nah! I'm Pregnant! HAHA!"

**11.**

(Suspicious) "Of course I'm ok. Why wouldn't I be ok? Why? Does it look like there's something wrong with me? Have I gained weight? Well, that is only to be expected you know! I am carrying a child!"

_What are you going to name it? Boy or girl._

**9.**

(Condescension) "You do realize those aren't the only two genders out there, right?"

**10.**

(Certain) "Rose."

[…]

"If it's a boy I'll call him Mr. Thick Thick Thickety Thick-Face from Thicktown Thickania, because so was his Dad."

**11.**

(Playful) "Amelia if it's a girl and Rory if it's a boy."

[…]

"Of course I'm kidding! I mean, you both have brilliant names; Amelia Pond and Rory the Roman! Hard to beat, _but…_not impossible."

"_Doctor! You can't go out there!"_

**9.**

(Grim) "Of course I'm not going to Jack! I'm not that stupid… You are."

[…]

"I'm pregnant. And I'm the Doctor. Trust me. You do not want to see me angry… Anyway, you seemed eager enough to strike out on your own earlier today and get Rose captured, so you might as well do your part in cleaning up the mess."

[…]

"If you don't get her back, then it won't matter if you want to see me angry or not. You will."

**10.**

(Manic) "ALLONS-Y!"

**11.**

(The Anger of a Gentle Man) "River, that man had the _gall_ to _threaten_ my friends. He kidnapped them from right under my nose. He used them as hostages and leverage against me! He hurt Amy! And he _threatened_ MY. CHILD! …. Try and stop me."

_Cravings and Foods_

**9.**

(Cheeky) "Bananas! Good source of potassium. I've got another living, breathing person inside of me now so I have to eat enough for two."

**10.**

(Horrified) "UUUuuuuugh! Never. _Ever_. EVER. Feed me pears again! Oh flippin' Carrionites, I'm never going to get this taste out of my mouth!"

[…]

"I don't care what I said! You know I hate pears!"

**11.**

(Content) "Mmmm…. Fish fingers and custard…."

"_Doctor… Can this actually work?"_

**9.**

(Poker-face) "Maybe, maybe not. I don't know."

**10.**

(Fake) "Oh sure! 100% safe! No problems or complications at all. Perfectly fine, I promise."

**11.**

(Resigned) "I don't know. There is a very high chance that only one or neither of us will survive… But I've always been one to cheat the odds, hey? Gotta keep your hopes up!"

_General confusion of random people_

**9.**

(Amused) "Yes, I'm a bloke and I'm pregnant. Pick your mouth up off the floor, it's a big universe."

**10.**

(Oblivious) "Hmm? OH! You mean the belly! Yeah, I'm pregnant."

**11.**

(Vain) "It's not that bad… Amy? Does my pregnant belly make me look fat?"

_TARDIS_

**9.**

(Pride) "No."

**10.**

(Embarrassed) "Uhm… Donna? Little help?"

[…]

"You are so good for my ego…"

**11.**

(Jumpy) "Come one, old girl… Let me fix you up. Oi! Watch it! Don't get all jealous just 'cause I'm not carrying _your_baby! You can't even have children! Let alone with me, OW! Ok, sorry… Stop it! OW!"

_Don't ask. Walk away._

**9.**

"I'm the Last of the Time Lords."

**10.**

"I'm always alright."

**11.**

"Who's a cute belly? Who's a cute little belly!?"

_Basically… run._

**9.**

"Everything has it's time. Life _and_ death."

**10.**

"I'm the Doctor. I'm a Time Lord. I'm from the planet Gallifrey in the constellation of Kasterborous. I'm 903 years old and I'm pregnant. Look me up."

**11.**

"I'm pregnant now. Pregnancy is cool."

_Giving Birth_

**9.**

(Growl) "Jack, I swear. You come one step closer, I'll kick you so hard you won't be picking anyone up for the rest of your life."

**10.**

(Screaming) "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

**11.**

(Gritting teeth) "Aargh… _River_! That HURTS!"

[…]

"Oh, shut up!"

"_You knew all along!"_

**9.**

(Moving on) "No. I didn't. The scanners were fooled until just a few weeks ago. By that time it wasn't worth telling anyone."

**10.**

(Closed) "YuP. Pretty much. Weell, not the whole time. Figured it out pretty quick though. Weell.. when I say pretty quick I mean within few months or so. Or… the last few weeks."

**11.**

(Gentle) "Rule one: the Doctor lies."

"_What happened?"_

**9.**

(Straight) "False pregnancy. I couldn't actually carry a Th'ivlim child, but the hormones and all that were still passed on. The child just didn't grow."

**10.**

(Techno-babble) "…"

**11.**

(Evasive) "I'm a Time Lord. Of course I couldn't' actually get pregnant!"

"_Are you ok?"_

**9.**

(Rose) "No."

**10.**

(Mask) "Of course I'm alright. I'm always alright."

**11.**

(Amy) _Smile…_

"_Oops…"_

**9.**

"JACK!"

**10.**

"BAROWMAN!"

**11.**

"Who did what? Oh. Aaah… I should have seen that coming… Um… Hello Jack! Thanks for the imaginary pregnancy, it was quite the experience. Now, we really must be going… RUN!"


End file.
